Being a parent or caregiver is filled with opportunities for growth. As we raise children in a world filled with increasing challenges, it is imperative to have tools that assist parents in creating spaces where children feel physically and emotionally safe. Protective Factors are those components put in place to protect families. Parents show their children how to be strong and flexible (resilience), they model having healthy relationships, and they are continuous learners who are not afraid to ask for help and communicate in ways that build their families.

Why is this important?

Why Do We Need to Strengthen Families?

Strengthening families saves lives and improves the quality of life for children and parents. Child abuse and neglect are all too common in today’s stressful world, and they are considered adverse childhood experiences (ACEs). When someone experiences or witnesses violence in their home or community, has a family member attempt or die by suicide, or grows up with family members with substance use issues or incarceration, they have experienced an ACE. According to the Centers for Disease Control (CDC), approximately 60% of adults report they had experienced at least one ACE before they turned 18, and 17% report experiencing at least four. 

Abuse and Neglect

Child abuse and neglect are dangerous ACEs and can have life-long effects on mental and physical health. The CDC lists the following four common types of abuse and neglect:

1. Physical abuse: hitting, kicking, shaking, burning, or using force against a child
2. Sexual abuse: forcing a child to engage in sexual acts
3. Emotional abuse: harming a child’s self-worth or emotional well-being by calling them names, shaming them, withholding love, or threatening them
4. Neglect: failing to meet a child’s basic physical needs for housing, food, clothing, education, medical care — or ignoring their emotional needs

According to the CDC, at least one in seven children experience abuse or neglect in the United States. This ratio may actually be higher because many cases go unreported. The stresses and trauma related to poverty mean that rates of abuse and neglect are significantly higher for children living in poverty.

In addition to the unquantifiable pain of abuse and neglect, there is a significant monetary burden associated with abuse and neglect; the CDC estimated that burden to be $592 billion in 2018.

The Center for the Study of Social Policy developed the Strengthening Families framework, which outlines a set of protective factors that help families reduce the risks of abuse and neglect by learning from each other. Be Strong Families Parent Cafés and resources are all aligned with the Protective Factors.

The Be Strong Families approach focuses on peer-to-peer connections nurtured in Parent Cafés. First developed in 2007 by parent leaders from Strengthening Families Illinois, the Parent Café process uses a peer-led approach to build Strengthening Families™ Protective Factors within families.

Parent Cafés provide opportunities for parents to share challenges, wisdom, strategies, and reflection on their parenting challenges and victories. They are physically and emotionally safe spaces where people practice cultural humility. They lean into the conversation, including the discomfort, and without professional hats. They share experiences based on Protective Factors to create thriving families. Parent Café participants often leave feeling inspired, energized, and excited to put into practice what they’ve learned. 

We have spent years fine-tuning the Parent Cafés to develop a highly sustainable model. The Parent Café model provides training reinforcement, institutional support, and organizational commitment, which engages and affirms parents as leaders. Parent Cafés were developed as in-person experiences, but the COVID-19 pandemic taught us to adapt them to also work online. 

Why This Approach Works

“I always feel better after a Parent Café. I get in touch with who and how I want to be as a parent.” – Parent, Illinois

“Siempre me siento mejor después de un Café para Padres. Me pongo en contacto con quién y cómo quiero ser como padre.” – Padre, Illinois

The Be Strong Families approach is rooted in our values of family, authenticity, liberation, vitality, collaboration, excellence, love, and spirit. We believe in the power of parents and families to transform their own families, communities, and the world around them. 

The Role of Cafés in Healing Trauma

Trauma, especially trauma experienced in early childhood, has a lasting impact on people’s emotional, cognitive, and social development. Young people who experience trauma often have

• Difficulty forming secure attachments because they fear rejection or abandonment. They may behave unpredictably as they feel a desire for intimacy and also fear it.
• Boundary issues. Children exposed to trauma or abuse might not learn appropriate boundaries, either tolerating others’ inappropriate behavior or violating others’ boundaries.
• Low self-worth, leading them to stay in relationships where they are undervalued or mistreated.
• Hypervigilance, constantly looking out for threats.
• Trouble with emotional regulation, including explosive arguments, withdrawal, or other maladaptive interactions.
• Trouble reading social cues, leading to misunderstandings and conflicts.
• Over-dependency, as they seek the safety and security they lacked in childhood.
• Difficulty with intimacy due to a fear of becoming vulnerable.
• Fear of abandonment that leads to clinging, testing relationships, or pushing others away to avoid rejection.

The best way to heal interpersonal trauma is through corrective social experiences, like Parent Cafés, which provide spaces that have clear boundaries and agreements.

Parent Café Agreements

Parent Café hosts and participants agree to a set of simple principles developed by parents to create an optimal environment for learning, growing, and listening. Those agreements are:

• Listen attentively, don’t interrupt
• Speak from your own experience, use I statements
• No judgments, positive or negative,
• Do not give advice
• Confidentiality: what happens in the cafe, stays in the cafe 
• Full presence — no electronic distractions

These agreements allow participants to interact with others in non-conflictual, respectful, non-judgmental ways. As participants experience being able to talk (or not talk) without being shut down or forced to answer when they don’t want to, they experience being understood at a deep level by peers who feel with them but don’t invade their personal space or try to fix them. They have an experience of healthy relating, which allows vigilance to be relaxed and opens a pathway to trust. Having others witness and affirm, even silently, and tacitly, is an important step in the healing process. 

The whole spectrum of emotion is welcome at Cafés: people laugh, they cry, and the collective holds space for all of that (with a helping professional available for those who need more in the moment than the Cafe context itself can provide). The questions discussed at Café tables are designed to be both generative and appreciative, which means the arc of the conversations leans toward the positive. 

The social support provided at Cafés reduces isolation. People who participate regularly seek the familiar structure, which serves as a ritual that promotes healing. They come to know that there are people who care, listen, and understand. Social support can bolster resilience, allowing trauma survivors to bounce back from adversity more effectively. A strong social network can provide both emotional and practical support during challenging times. 

That is why the Be Strong Families approach is being promoted and replicated around the country.

Organizations and Be Strong Families Parent Cafés

Parent Cafés nurture connections between staff and parents, and among parents in ways that strengthen organizations and communities. In 2022, Be Strong Families joined Tufts Medical Center, the Center for the Study of Social Policy, and the University of Buffalo to build the parent engagement capacity of three partners in the Help Me Grow national network: Marin County, Washington D.C., and Northwest Florida. 

These partners are empowering parents to lead the process of “goal-concordant care,” a collaborative approach that relies on trusting relationships between program staff and parents. 

When parents engage in authentic small-group conversations about family life with their peers and program staff, their feelings and thoughts are validated. They often find relief from the stresses of everyday life and opportunities to reflect, to step back and get clear on who they are as parents and what they want for their children, and to share those deep, important, meaningful aspirations and real barriers with other parents. Cafés provide a safe context and sacred time for individual deep self-reflection and peer-to-peer learning.

When community-based programs incorporate Parent Cafés into their programming, it represents a long-term commitment to parent engagement that breaks down barriers and shifts power dynamics in the relationships between staff and parents. In addition, Be Strong Families parent engagement skill-building workshops support staff in implementing Parent Cafés and incorporating the Strengthening Families™ Protective Factors into their parent-led approach.

The Data Shows That Parent Cafés Work

Since the launch of the first Parent Cafés in 2007, hundreds of programs in the United States and around the world have adopted the approach, reaching thousands of parents and families through deep, personal conversations designed to facilitate transformation and healing.

In 2019, the National Parent Café Evaluation Project began to collect data to share the impact of Parent Cafés. The following are key trends in data collected between 2019 and 2021.

• Over three years, 96 partner programs participated in the National Café Evaluation.
• Partners hosted 895 Cafés, and close to 14,000 individuals filled out the evaluation form.
• In 2019 about 33% of those who filled out the Café evaluation forms identified as Black, Indigenous, or People of Color (BIPOC); by 2021 the percentage was 60%, nearly double.
• Over the three years, BSF reached more than 10,000 individuals who identified as having complex parenting issues. This includes but is not limited to foster parents, adoptive parents, grandparents raising grandchildren, teens/youth with a child, parents of children with disabilities, parents of an LGBTQ+ child, and LGBTQ+ parents.

When parents participate in Cafes, they come back. More than 20% of people reported they participated in more than six Cafés, and nearly 12% participated in more than 10 Cafés. The evaluations show parents’ growth in building protective factors. Equally important, more than 96% of participants indicate that Cafés are safe spaces where they can learn from each other and reflect on their lives as parents. 

Fostering Leadership

The evaluations showed that more than 87% of participants wanted to be more involved with the host organization or become part of the Café team. This shows the success of the model in not only helping parents but supporting them to become leaders in their communities.

Expanding the Circle of Inclusion

As we continue to grow our mission and circle of change, we have focused on developing and sustaining conversations that promote equitable inclusion of LGBTQIA+ children, youth, and adult family members. We have set goals that are consistent with our stance on anti-racism and equity, diversity, and inclusion (EDI). 

Current estimates show that there are approximately 3.2 million LGBTQIA+ youth between the ages of 8 and 18 living in the US and more than half a million same-sex couples raising children. LGBTQIA+ families — especially BIPOC children and families — are often underserved by mainstream family service and education providers, and we recognize that the Café model can grow to forge new partnerships and advance these goals.  

We are working to revise and create new resources — like Home Is Where the Heart Is: Conversations to Love and Affirm Your LGBTQIA+ Children (Parent Cafe Booster Pack) and #WoWTALK Café — that will fully include LGBTQIA+ parents and families. We continue to host webinars in English and Spanish on LGBTIQA+ topics.

 “We want you to come in and say, ‘Hey, this hard life has been happening, but just for a moment—for 3 hours—we are going to give you a sense of love that you have never felt before.”
— Parent Café participant

The true success of Parent Cafés is the quiet transformations that are happening inside individual participants, rippling out to families and communities. 

Stephanie: “I Found Hope — and I Found My Purpose”

Stephanie is a mother of three who credits Parent Cafés with helping her overcome depression and find a community of support and healing. Today Stephanie is a member of the Parent Café leadership team. She and her mother immigrated here from Mexico when Stephanie was 13, and she was sexually abused by her stepfather. “I was not safe,” says Stephanie. She left home at 17 and had her first child at 20. Soon after her second baby was born, her firstborn was diagnosed with autism.

“I forgot about me, and I forgot about my baby. I felt so lonely because my husband was working all the time,” says Stephanie. Soon after, she was diagnosed with postpartum depression, and realized she had struggled with depression her whole life. She says she felt “bitter,” and was losing the will to live. Stephanie started going to virtual Parent Cafés during the pandemic. “To be honest, everything changed from that point on,” says Stephanie. “I felt like I found hope for the first time. The Cafés are where I found hope and where I found my purpose.”

Melissa: “Removing that Barrier”

Melissa is a single parent who experiences debilitating pain from arthritis and scoliosis. As she explains in this short documentary, she found inspiration and a community of support in Parent Cafés.

“The awesome support system that I get from the Cafés made me understand that even with me sitting alone, I’m really not,” Melissa says. “Parenting is tough, no matter how you spin it.” Our job is to be supportive, to connect you to whatever would remove that barrier that’s keeping your family from being the family you would want your family to be.”

Latisha: “Building Resilience”

As Be Strong Families Latisha Atkins puts it, her participation in Parent Cafés helped her build resilience for a future she couldn’t imagine. When she began attending Cafés, she was serving as a primary caregiver for a 2-year-old who was later murdered. “Some of the people I met through the Café I was able to lean on those folks as a shoulder.”

When leaders are seeking sustainable models for supporting parents, they often arrive at the stories of parents and families who have transformed their conversations and relationships by participating in and leading Parent Cafés.

This approach, which empowers parents to lead deep, personal conversations about family life, has been embraced by hundreds of programs in the United States and around the world. 

By participating in Parent Cafés and developing the protective factors, people are developing resilience. They are finding meaningful relationships that support them through challenges and provide respite from crises. They are also developing communication and social-emotional skills — and they are doing it naturally, without stigma.

Instead of emphasizing deficits and weaknesses, this approach revolutionizes the service model by empowering participants to transform their own families and communities.

All of this is possible because of the support of the donors and contributors that sustain us.

This simple, scalable model relies on parents’ innate understanding of their unique challenges and provides safe spaces to explore parenting challenges and become strong, resilient communities.